When you just know

A knowing that rises from within

Not bound by thought or bias of mind

A deep knowing present all along

Hidden behind the boll, the shell of cotton

Born, torn by mighty dark fingers

How it hurt the hands of those who picked it

Freed by we slaves, focused on complete healings

Life raft from the deepest inner pink vault

Rebirth of self as a golden nugget excavated

Cleared from the quagmire of the minds shadow and cross

Liberation by acceptance of a new, clear mind

From complete trust in an inner knowing

Rising like the mist upon surrendering

Freeing my own inner spirit

Hearing and understanding the language of my very own passion

Honoring my very own gifts

Outside the cycle and boundries of whats known

Seen and accepted as a truth, my truth.

Feeling the joy of the birds song

Followed the star centered compass of the tulip

Thru the bamboo thicket

Lights on with a forsale sign in the front lawn

Squirrel manning the electric pole

No more phantom in the mirrored lakes

No more playing hopscotch on the dark and light piano keys

Bellowing deceptively contrasting tunes

Holly tree don’t loose its leaves

But the pretty bright berries are only present some of the times

When you unravel the burden of the fabric link of the body

Its hard not to give attention to the things that gave you anew

The orchid, sitting dead on the mantle

The herb garden complacent in the window sill

Hollow books and an empty sleigh

Two powers deep within

Reflection of a lack of self love

From the mailbox of the north face

Walking on the dancing fire

Playing defense and offense

Swimming in the saga of rolling dark waves and white caps

Swirling as howling wind

Whisking leaves from high branches

Swarming together then drifting off on their own

Exit the dance floor to stand alone

Steady and sure of the magical power ensconced within.

Enter the chilly nights and days filled with the warmth of sunshine tempered by a cool, gentle breeze.  Time for warm cups of coffee enjoyed on the stoop watching the squirrels scurry from branch to branch and then onto rooftops in play.  An energy and robust vigor that one can only imagine is fed by the inherent knowledge that nature will soon deposit another blanket of snow and a coolness beyond chilly.  Perhaps a timeout earned from the collection and storing of nuts to sustain the Winter. The above synopsis resembles my recent time of absence from writing and sharing.  The Summer, for me, was full of many trials, toils, triumphs and great healing and learning.  My continued journey has at times found me humbled, hurt, frustrated, confused, angry, in awe, thankful and feeling extremely peaceful and blessed.  A plethora of emotions, which at times has seemed almost impossible to navigate surrounding me with moments of a profound agony of defeat. A heavy darkness that created an intense and excruciating sense of a painful loss within my chest.  The only true comfort and relief that I found was through prayer, meditation and what felt like a constant conversation. The same way that I had broken down in prayer and conversation months prior asking for healing. A trying walk through the fire. Led, as I have often been, internally the feeling was to “fill up”, so off to the dam on the lake.  Blanket spread in the grass, back to the water, I faced the sun, legs crossed, back straight, wind blowing in my hair and brushing my cheeks as tears streamed down my face.  Him within me, gently coaxing me to again release it all. Prayers and thoughts of thanksgiving swarmed my mind as I breathed in and out the invited freshness. I cannot tell you how long I sat there once I kicked off my shoes.  Relishing the warmness of the sun cooled by the breeze and harmonized by the sound of the birds above and the bugs chirping at waters edge, a peaceful newness emerged within me. What I can only name as a continuation of my journey.  I cannot begin to put into words the vastness of His presence. I have always considered myself a believer, but have been shown the distinct difference between being a believer and having unshakeable faith in our Creators constant presence and the power of His hand within. I no longer have Him in a box limited by my understanding, but accept as all encompassing.   I have to admit to there being a state of awe and recovery, if you will.  In time, I hope to share more of my journey. Now is time to release and create from my soul.  Love, happiness, acceptance, self knowing, laughter, worthiness, calm, peace and know that my experience, as is each of yours, is meant to help bring change into our world. I have published on Amazon a short collection of poems that I was blessed to receive throughout my journey in 2019 that I hope will educate, inspire and comfort others who are on their journey as well.  The ebook is FREE thru Wednesday 2/12/2020. Please feel free to download your free copy by visiting my Amazon Author Page at http://amazon.com/author/victorialbuck or by typing in the Amazon search field Victoria L. Buck. Thank you for sharing your time with me.  We are all rising!Until next time…..Vickie ReplyForward

Left weeping in the dust                    

Chanting Hallowed be Thy Name

Why so painful it must 

If from the dust we each came?

Crying out to the Gods    

In sin and in shame      

A distilling facade

His unwavering grace reclaim

Ash ridden tears       

Cascade over my cheek 

Pray to banish thoughts severe

Fore He blesseth the meek

Wounded, frayed and riddled

Discarded and thrown to the floor

The Highest, He come channeled

Filleth my cup evermore.

One by Victoria Buck © 2019

He bows on the mat before the rising sun

Inviting blank peaceful freeing of the mind

Hands clasped, kneeling aside the woken bed

IHS above the plank, beneath a dome of Angelics

Each leading to the lily of the Valley.

Come great lions in the still of the night

Earthquake rises a deep division within the dust

Interpretation, a destructive flare

Unity held in the talons mighty grip

Silver and gold the prized rosary.

Disbelief as when the stone rolled away

Tension in land and face, masks humility

Yet, hymns quiet your troubled child’s cry

Just as they pacify the child of another

Absent is darkness in faith and love.

Breathes are as brief as a shooting star  

The Cross, a staff forging the mountain path

Guided by the shimmering star to the wise

Blessed to touch the Saints white hem

Lest heat of fury in Paris catacombs.

A New Day by Victoria Buck © 2019

The crisp cool breeze skims my cheeks

Before dawn, the still darkness surrounds me

Lamp posts illuminate the sidewalk

Frosty shadows distinctly fading away

A light dusting of snow shimmers in its curtain call

Before the saluting daffodils

Exalting lushness from winters toil

His sparkling dipper poised in the aerial hopewell

For cue to spill vibrantly rich watercolors

Splashing in unison onto unfinished canvas

Serenading birdsong from the dawn chorus  

Luring peaceful abstract clay in joyous song

In Gods’ hand, an abundance of crystal clear prism

With the rising sun, froths a wave of Angelic rainbow.

Today in a meeting that I attended, someone was asked why that they had written so many questions in a paper that they had submitted, stating that all the questions took away from the writer and what they were trying to share.  The individual responded that they had noticed some time ago that when they were presenting if they asked questions they received more responses to their presentation. But is this really true? If we do not receive an immediate response or a tangible response given to ourselves to something that we have said or done, does that really mean there was no response?

I don’t know about you but most of my life I have judged myself based on how others respond to my actions or something that I have said.   Given others the power to make me feel good, happy, frustrated or sad. What I have finally gotten is that others typically react or not based on their own expectations.  Those reactions have nothing to do with me. I am not saying that we don’t need to be conscious of how what we do and what we say affects others. When we act in good faith, I am saying that how others react or their lack of reaction should NOT determine our own self-value.  Nor should it determine whether we share or take action.

No response is a response.  Have you heard that saying before?  I used to think that was a negative comment about a lack of response.  I have come to know quite the opposite. How many times have you read a poem, book, Bible passage, heard a song, listened to a lecturer etc. that many times later popped into your head and you related that to the circumstance that you were in currently in a way that helped you better understand and/or act within that situation?  I have many times. Actions and words or lack of either, are experiences which have a lasting affect. As my children have gone through childhood into young adulthood I have learned many times over that the things that I have shared, the actions that I have taken did get a response. Even if at the time I could have sworn that I was banging my head against the wall. Toilet seats do get put down, snotty noses do get wiped on tissues instead of shirt sleeves, the door does now get held open acknowledging others behind them, dirty laundry does make it to the clothes hamper, salads and fruit have become a staple in their diet, and the list goes on.  Grant it, in the scheme of life, those things are trivial. The point being, those things said and those actions taken do get a response. It may not be the response or in the timeframe that we envision but the response of others is not our journey, that is part of their journey.

I do think questions are important though.  As a child, questioning things was not encouraged and this left me thinking in much of a black and white, judgemental way.  Ultimately taking away from myself. This way of thinking has been a block to me in relationships with others, myself and the world around me.  I found myself trapped inside yearning to be outside, free. Like a dog standing on the inside of a storm door peering outside at the sunshine and the action, whining to join in.  Questions expand the mind allowing for growth, knowledge, understanding, confidence and the development of discernment and decision-making skills. All of which is vital to finding and maintaining some sort of balance in ones life.  

Don’t judge yourself on others reactions to you.  Kindly give yourself credit for the good that you are doing and the good in what you are contributing.  Knowing that we all have a place in this world with a plethora to contribute and having faith that whosever ears were meant to hear your words will.  Either from your mouth or someone who has heard your words spoken repeating them to another who needs your words. Your words are meant to be spoken. Your actions are meant to happen.  By first believing in you, together we will achieve.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;  bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 3:3

Ever since I can remember when it has come time for the clock to change, fall backward or spring forward,  I almost frown upon the change. Yet, I cannot place the exact reason why. The change is not that significant.  As a child, I would focus more on the loss or gain of an hours sleep, the early onset of an evenings darkness or the abundance of play that could develop in the extended brightness of the day.  Today, I drink my morning coffee an hour later and my dog Bear and I can enjoy one more long walk under the light of the day. I believe more than anything it is simply because it is a change. One of the sayings that I remember my Dad telling myself and my siblings was that “there will always be someone telling you what to do.”  While I am certain I may have rolled my eyes a few times when that hit my ears as a child, he was right. Laws, rules, and time change to name a few.

I think life is that way at times too.  Sometimes changes we do not instigate are the most difficult to manage.  Mostly because of perception. I have found myself recently feeling wary at the realization that change, again, is necessary.  Stepping into the unknown is scary for some of us. Even when we know that is the only way to help ourselves and those around us.  For me, it isn’t so much the idea’s that are difficult it is knowing and filling the call to action. If someone would tell me what is the right action to take, right?  But we all know that is not how it works, nor is it how we should want it to work. Confidence comes from taking action and gaining results. So from past actions. Therefore if one has lived following orders and instruction within their jobs and lives, the confidence to take solid actions has not been well established.  Over a time of change, learning discernment and taking action, we build that confidence level. All part of harnessing our authentic self. I have learned that once we quiet ourselves, put away the outside forces and listen from within, we know what action we need to take. Typically then, once we act, the weight of the inaction and question of how to take action passes because we have acted in accordance with our true selves.

One of the things that I have struggled with recently in moving forward in my own creative way is questioning the reason.  If I am not moving forward in the way of the status quo, am I doing the wrong thing? Am I forging this path for my own selfish pleasure or honing my gift from God?  Why is it that I am questioning how God would view me being creative? Mostly because I do want to be pleasing to him but I also want to do good works. But mostly fear.  In growing into myself, an excuse to stay where I am comfortable even if it is uncomfortable. Learning to truly walk your own path is challenging. In my heart, I know taking actions via the gift he gave me in kindness, wisdom, and love IS honoring God and myself.  In realizing that, making plans and taking action, we put into motion our inner belief that God has a plan for us. That is pleasing to him as we are acting on our belief in faith! Kary Oberbrunner once said God gave us each a gift, it is up to us to use it.

This week, may each of us take a solid step, with all of our heart and all of our might, from within.

Blessings ~ Vickie

Become  by Victoria Buck © 2019

It draws me near

Invites a dance

Red, yellow, orange flicker

Hot embers beat crackle

Exuding warmth takes my hand

Radiate and rise

Up over the trees

Captivate

Mesmerize

Perservere, become.

I have been thinking about shadows lately.  Maybe because the weather has been a little on the gloomy side, the old me …. darker, doubting and questioning towards self…. like a turtle has poked its head outside its hard, protective shell.  A kind reminder to self that these thoughts and emotions were designed by prior self as a way of protection. A means to keep me in my comfort zone, albeit uncomfortable and unfruitful, familiar territory.  A reminder of how those dark thoughts take over a day and block the ongoing joy that surrounds us. A reminder that beauty is available to each of us as nutrients for our soul when we are peaceful and aware, internally.

In these instances, I am tempted to stay inside the comfort of my home but studies show that going outside on gloomy days exposes us to UV rays and helps to elevate our moods.  The same can be said about exposure to new ideas, concepts and general ways of thinking. Most of my life I lived based on belief patterns established as a growing child and young adult.  On autopilot, as I suspect others do too. Inclined to color within the lines that I had drawn and adopted from society as boundaries over time, exposing myself to new experiences and information which summons learning, growth, and expansion was not part of my norm.  Therefore limiting the potential for a more healthy lifestyle, change in a point of view or a more resounding, this is how I have always viewed this circumstance and in light of this new information, my view is solidified. Unchallenged, we get stagnant and bored with ourselves which can lead to poor decisions for and denial of self. ie:  Alcohol, flings, alienation, divorce, self-doubt resulting in denied dreams.

I remember saying to my siblings once that it felt as if I was experiencing a crucifixion of self.  The universe had started a chain of circumstances that served up a smorgasbord of shadow self like a bowl of flawed hot beef stew.   Always priding myself in being humble and uplifting to others, a new humbleness and humility scripted and shown as a movie on the big screen.  Selfishness, control, pleasing, following, judging, anger, envy. Self-discovery has at times been painfully difficult to navigate. Acknowledging in myself, what we refer to as the uglies, initially was not easy as it felt as though I was continuing the pattern of low self-esteem and low self-worth.  However, accepting those shadow qualities, the fact that we each have them and learning to put them in context has been and continues to bring a source of authenticating peace.

The internalization and repression of those qualities were indeed to appear put together, an attempt to keep from a feeling of personal exposure and hurt to myself and others and a plead to be accepted and worthy.  A byproduct of guilt and shame. Once these qualities were acknowledged I could then develop an appreciation, compassion, and love of self which has enhanced my appreciation, compassion, and love for those around me.  Allowed me to recognize and accept the gifts and beauty that God has given to me without comparison to the gifts and beauty with which God has blessed another. An assurance in who I am without the need to be a quality that I admire in someone else.  It is essential to remember, a shadow is a darkness produced by a body coming between rays of light. Therefore, we ARE light, the shadow self is just a part of our whole. A part, which when put in context, provides meaning and direction as untainted.

Recent liturgy has challenged my Biblical viewpoints.  I am pointing this out to share that in times past, I would have either just taken the information as it was and followed suit or hidden from the information given, head in the sand.  Today, I choose to go into my cocoon of safety, only to further educate myself and grow in my own thoughts and stance, prior to being comfortable in wearing that stance wherever I go. The difference being, immediately following for the sake of avoidance of conflict vs educating myself to form my own point of view based on my values and education, despite the risk of conflict.  Utilizing parts of my shadow self to enhance who I am in my environment and being comfortable with that. Another great example of how I am applying knowledge of my shadow self is by acknowledging how pleasing others and doing things for them that helps ease their day is a part of who I am. I do get a sense of pleasure in doing that. However, when those instances of pleasing have become expectations of others or a responsibility I am taking upon myself which dims my light, I am finding balance in giving myself permission to say no or not to offer of myself.

We are all united in the questions and mysteries of this journey called our life.  Even though we tend to feel alone and secluded when facing lives challenges and complexities ( alone and secluded does have its time, place and value) we indeed are not.  In that knowledge alone, we provide to ourselves the tools and resources available in one another and in God/Divine/Universe, if we humbly ask. Our environment and what we take in is vital.   

I am reminded of an HL Menken quote introduced to me by a friend.  “For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.”  Another version of that quote published in 1921 Prejudices: The Second Series reads as follows:  “Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem neat, plausible and wrong.”  

Keep working on you, finding your answers; for it is there that you will illuminate and we as a whole will reap the benefits of your light shining undiminished and true.

Blessings, Vickie

The morning coolness greets silky skin
Refreshing vigor after a cocooned rest
Supporting joints coming alive with movement
Paving the way towards the days path to tread.

Deep breaths pull life force inward
Blood begins to pulsate and traverse
Winding thru a vast highway of veins
Courier of the ultimate machines song and verse.

A hungry soul peers thru mine eyes
At the radiance of the rising sun
In awe, soaking up the vast beauty and light
Garnishing energy and inspiration to the day that has begun.

White feathers drifting across the endless heavenly sea
Calm and comfort from a presence of loved ones past
Invoke within, thankful, heartfelt words in prayer and plea
Inspiration for a pure heart to bear

In the distance, Rolling hills meander
Sweeping panoramic reminders to peaks and valleys
Endured In pain, glory and humble candor
Eased by the refreshing, clear flowing creeks water.

Nature surrounds in strokes of serene hues of jade
Rustling in the soothing gentle breeze
Humble strides taken thru a nourishing cascade
Allied in blessings from the Universe display.